Lampoon.net

"Quickies - Vol. 37"

Dear Readers,

Much to my chagrin former Playboy Playmate, Anna Nicole Smith has not replied to my sincere love letters. I am heartbroken. Where did I go wrong?

Am I doomed to always order orange juice for one? . . . "So back to my room and there in the gloom I cry tears of good-bye." E-mail advice to, JerrySatire@aol.com

So last month I told my neighbor, "I'll help you paint your house the day Woody Allen shows up at the Oscars."

My Therapist friend wants to study my abstract dreams. I told him to go analyze Picasso's paintings. [:-)

This just in . . .

Psychic, John Edward [Crossing Over] has contacted Milton Berle . . .

John : Milton is it really you?

Milton : Yes John. It's Uncle Miltie.

John : Milton, are you comfortable?

Milton : What John? What did you say?

John : I said, "Are you comfortable?"

Milton : I make a living.

News of the future . . .

New Special Enrongate Prosecutor, Hugh Betcha, has asked the White House to stop accidentally shredding the minutes from those Enron-White House meetings.

Supreme Court Justice, Antonin Scalia says the Catholic Church is sabotaging the Death Penalty. Hmmmm? Perhaps Justice Scalia and friends should send the Pope an instant E-mail. Something like; "Your Holiness, All we are saying is give death a chance."

Charlton's best friend . . .

"We are proud to be one of the first plaintiffs to formally ask the federal court to invalidate these new limits on the political speech of ordinary citizens, because we believe that this law cannot be allowed to stand, not even for a moment." N.R.A. Executive Vice President, Wayne LaPierre, following the filing of a lawsuit after President Bush signed the McCain-Feingold-Shays-Meehan campaign-finance-reform bill. Hmmmm? Need I say more?

Best Wishes Always - Jerry.