Lampoon.net

"Quickies - Vol. 35"

Dear Jerry,
Don't get married. 50% of married couples get divorced
and the other 50% don't speak to each other.
Dear Jerry,
Beware! If you get married you will never again be on time for a party.
Dear Jerry,
Love will find a way. Perhaps not in your lifetime though.
Dear Jerry,
You will soon meet and fall in love with a mysterious
woman. Make my check payable to, 'Psychic Sally.'



Whenever the N.Y. Mets lose a game this season I'm going to blame it on the, 'Evil Umpires.'

You know inflation is back when you need a credit card to pay for a gallon of milk.

Can't remember my Numerologist's phone number. [:-)

New chess book..."1,000 Fischer Random Openings." With 10,000 sub variations. By Grandmaster, Hugh Nuit. So much for, 'no prep chess.'

Will Enrongate spell trouble for the Republican Party? Does Pavorotti like pasta?

I asked Jeeves where he buys his clothes. He said, "Penguin and Sons."

I once did a comedy concert in front of an all-wheelchair group of people. I don't like to brag but I had them rolling in the aisles!

I read that Yoga relieves stress. So I bought 2 quarts.

Is Baseball Commissioner, Bud Selig right? Do most Baseball owners need daily visits from, 'Meals-On-Wheel'? I don't think so.

What is, 'chutzpah'? Chutzpah is America penalizing countries for not buying our drugged up beef.

Are the Russians glad the 2002 Olympics are over? Does the S.I. Swimsuit issue sell magazines?

Former Nets Basketball star, Jason Williams is giving 12 gauge double barrel shotguns a bum rap. Right Charlton?

Famous quote : "Ax not what your parents can do for you ; ax what you can do for your parents!" - Lizzie Borden.

The no spin journalists . . .As we all know the Conservative News Media is always fair and balanced. This week's top stories. . .

  • Monday: How Bill and Hillary Clinton 'doctored' the Nixon White House tapes.
  • Tuesday : How Bill and Hillary Clinton 'invented' the Iran-Contra scandal.
  • Wednesday : How Bill and Hillary Clinton caused the 'Savings and Loan' fiasco.
  • Thursday : How Bill and Hillary Clinton ordered our Sub to crash into that Japanese Fishing Trawler.
  • Friday : How Bill and Hillary Clinton forced Dick Cheney to have 6 secret White House meetings with you know who.
  • Next week, how Bill and Hillary Clinton. . .

Commentary by Frank Forthrite, President of the R.R. [Radical Right.] "It seems to me, if we attack Iraq on Monday then we should attack Iran on Tuesday, North korea on Wednesday, Saudi-Arabia on Thursday, Libya on Friday, China on Saturday and Russia

on Sunday. All of these countries are just as evil as Iraq and they also have weapons of mass destruction. We must seize the moment. Let's roll." Everybody sing; "Over there, over there, over

there, over there, we're rolling over, we're rolling over and we won't come back till it's over, over there!" One more time; "Over there, over there, over there. . .

Best Wishes Always - Jerry.

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