Lampoon.net

"Quickies - Vol. 34"

'Friends told me to forget her' . . .

Hmmmm? What are you trying to tell me?

E-mail, JerrySatire@aol.com

In America we have good people and we have Telemarketers.

Alzheimer's epidemic hits Wash., D.C. . . .

"Mr. Chairman, to the best of my recollection, I don't remember meeting anyone from Enron."

Executive Privilege; A political term coined by the Nixon-Agnew Administration. The right to withhold information from the general public [voters] on the grounds that future Presidents and Vice Presidents may get in big trouble.

Number one . . .

The United States has sold more weapons than any other country.

Good idea . . .

To destroy weapons of mass destruction around the world. And if we start in America, it will take a 100 years before we can move on to the next country.

Chess freshener . . .

The dull chess term, ' repetition of position' should be replaced with the sharp, 'DejaVu, DejaVu, DejaVu.'

Family values . . .

Jeb Bush's daughter busted [illegal drug buy attempt] What happened to those Republican family values? Thank God W's children behave properly.

This just in . . .

Drought hits New York. To help out, I promise to drink my Scotch, 'neat.'

George Carlinism . . .

"Drink plenty of liquids." As opposed to, "Drink plenty of solids."?

This just in . . .

No more fake orgasms . . .

'If you want to send her somewhere she has never been before, think, Pink Viagra. On sale for women soon!

The new,'Mother in-law Defense' . . .

"How can I be guilty? My Mother in-law lost three grand." Cool!

This just in . . .

Psychic, john Edward [Crossing Over] recently asked Marilyn Monroe if she reconciled with Joe DiMagio.

Said

M.M., "No. I'm waiting for Arthur Miller." Some guys have all the luck.

A simple fact . . .

All wars are fought over land. Case closed; period, end of conversation.

Jerry predicts . . .

• In 2002, I will go on a diet and only gain 10 pounds.
  
  
• In 2002, Bill Gates will confess his favorite game is, Monopoly. Bill loves rolling the dice.
  
  
• In 2002, after the baseball strike, Sammy Sosa will hit 75 home runs. However, Ken Griffy,Jr. will hit 76 home runs. Let's face it, Sammy is cursed!
• In 2002, Bill O'Reilly [No spin zone] apologizes to Rush Limbaugh for his impure liberal thoughts.[Would not outlaw abortion, would decriminalize marijuana use, would outlaw the death penalty, believes in global warming, wants fuel efficient vehicles, worries about the plight of the poor.] Rush replies, Bill is a nice enough fellow but his 'Liberalism' turns me off."
  
  Editor's note: We wanted to give Mr. O'Reilly the last word but we have not heard from him. We ask tough questions folks but we remain, fair and balanced, just like you know who. We are the no spin Web!
  
  
• In 2002, New hit movie, "Harriet Potter And The Mysterious Musk."
  
  
• In 2002, New best seller, "Investing In Enron Or How To Join The Homeless."
  
  
• In 2002, New hit play, "Creative Accounting Or How Not To Pay Taxes."

I've decided to join The System. My new accountants are; Wee, Shredem and Howe.

In late February or early March,2002, I will be on New Jersey Cablevision, ch. 70 or ch. 71, giving a chess lecture. ["So This Is Chess"] Hope you tune in to this highly entertaining program.

Thank you.

Best Wishes Always - Jerry.