Lampoon.net

"Quickies - Vol. 30"

When your luck is batting zero. . .

Jerry : Alice, I enjoyed our date tonight. How about next week we go on another date?

Alice : You're very sweet Jerry, but. . .

Jerry : But?

Alice : But I'm not ready for such a big commitment.

One month later. . .

Jerry : Betty, I enjoyed our date tonight. How about next week we go on another date?

Betty : You're very sweet Jerry, but...

Jerry : But?

Betty : But I've decided to become a Nun.

One month later. . .

Jerry : Carol, I enjoyed our date tonight. How about next week we go on another date?

Carol : You're very sweet Jerry, but. . .

Jerry : But?

Carol : You have convinced me that I am a lesbian.

One month later. . .

Jerry : Diane, I enjoyed our date tonight. How about next week we go on another date?

Diane : You're very sweet Jerry, but. . .

Jerry : But?

Diane : But my husband wouldn't understand.

One month later. . .

Jerry : Elaine, I enjoyed our date tonight. How about next week we go on another date?

Elaine : You're very sweet Jerry, but. . .

Jerry : But?

Elaine : But I'm having a sex change operation.

One month later. . .

Jerry : Fran, I enjoyed our date tonight. How about next week we go on another date?

Fran : You're very sweet Jerry, but. . .

Jerry : But?

Fran : But I'm joining the French Foreign Legion.

One month later. . .

Jerry : Gloria, I enjoyed our date tonight. How about next week we go on another date?

Gloria : You're very sweet Jerry, but. . .

Jerry : But?

Gloria : But Britney Spears may retire and I'm going to take her place.

Hmmmm? Why do I feel like Charlie Brown?

Eighth time a charm?

Stay tuned. E-mail advice, JerrySatire@aol.com

P.S., please do NOT use the word, 'sweet' in your note!

Christopher Columbus had great Public Relations people.

Who else would get a parade for getting lost?

Just wondering. . .

Does a nudist ever say, "I feel naked without my watch."?

Shortage. . .

Drug Pusher : What do you need old man?

Old Man : Flu shot.

Best Wishes Always - Jerry.