Lampoon.net

"Quickies - Vol. 27"

Close call. . .
I understand Bill Gates fainted last week when he heard about arrests in a Monopoly scam. Fortunately for Bill it was a McDonald's monopoly game scam.

This writer supports the efforts of Congresswoman, Carolyn McCarthy to end gun violence in America. Carolyn, may all your dreams come true.

If. . .
Mumia Abu-Jamel is guilty of murder he should spend the rest of his life in prison. Do not believe in the Death Sentence. "Vengeance is mine." Said the Lord.

Hardy Mums : Healthy English mothers.

Guns don't kill people. . .
Sandy, Utah. Aug.25th, 2001. The Secret Service forced 24 Republicans to surrender their weapons before entering an arena where Vice-President Cheney was speaking. I interviewed Frank Forthrite, President of the R.R. [Radical Right.] about the incident.

Jerry : Frank, do you think the Secret Service was right to confiscate the guns?

Frank : Absolutely not! Don't they know, 'An armed society is a civilized society'?

Jerry : What was the correct thing for the Secret Service to do?

Frank : They should have armed all 1600 delegates at the arena.

Jerry : Why didn't they?

Frank : Something about, Cheney has a weak heart.

Hope, one fine day you log on to, www.jointogether.org

Paybacks. . .
U.S. Attorney General John Ashcroft [Poster Boy for the N.R.A.] wants to destroy gun purchasers background checks after one day. Law enforcement people, F.B.I. officials and U.S. Courts believe the background checks should not be destroyed until a minimum of 90 days has passed. It seems to me; Mr. Ashcroft should be removed from office for attempting to circumvent our laws.

This just in. . .
Bernie Goetz [the subway Shootist] is running for Mayor of New York City. Says Bernie, "If I were Mayor, I'd make everyone carry a gun. It would make a much politer city." Can a campaign contribution from the N.R.A. be far behind? Only thing missing, is a catchy slogan. Hmmmmm? How about, "A pocket for every gun and a gun for every pocket"?

Mandatory retirement.......
Most mob wiseguys become middle-aged deadfellows.

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