Lampoon.net

"Quickies - Vol. 23"

I’m a little worried about my new doctor. His office is next to a Funeral Home.

Simple equation…….W. = A.I.

I’m insecure. How insecure am I ? I’m so insecure every morning I read the Obituaries to see if I passed away.

My sex life is bad. How bad is it ? It’s so bad I hold the all time record [98] for unrequited love affairs. I’ve taken more cold showers than the neighborhood priest.

Two views……
Liberals are concerned that children will obtain semi-automatic weapons. Example….Senator Charles E. Schumer. Conservatives are concerned that children will obtain Abercrombie and Fitch catalogs. Example….William F. Buckley Jr.

Finished writing chess book, “Marvelous Mates.” Seeking publisher.

Sure hope, one fine day Jack Newfield returns to the printed page.

Thank you Jerry Lewis for your relentless quest to find a cure for Muscular Dystrophy. May all your dreams come true.

Once upon a time the Military told us if we leave Viet-Nam our National security will be at risk. Today the Military tells us if we leave Vieques our National security will be at risk. The more things change, the more they remain the same.

A sad and disturbing thought…… U.S. Sanctions hurt ordinary people, like you and me.

To solve my occasional sexual dysfunction I take two new wonder drugs; ‘Redlogg’ and ‘Upyourz.”

Hey, if you are abusing drugs, STOP!!! Find a Rehab Center. Do it now. Quit drugs and you will be able to, pick yourself up, dust yourself off and start all over again. Stay on drugs and you will be lost in the woods, forevermore.Good luck and best wishes, Jerry.