Lampoon.net

"Quickies - Vol. 20"

George Carlinism…… Is it sacrilege to say, “I play the Lottery, religiously”?

The Yankees have a monopoly game. The Mets have a monopoly game. Microsoft has a monopoly, no game but a lesson for us all.

I had a fight with my new girlfriend. Now she is my ex-girlfriend. I still don’t know what happened. She said, I’m going to the beauty Parlor.” And all I said was, “ Do you think it will help?”

Timothy McVeigh should spend the rest of his life in jail. I’m opposed to the Death Sentence. “Vengeance is mine” Said the Lord.

Bob Kerrey’s account of what happened in Viet-Nam, while Tragic, is not criminal. However, if his story is false and the Women and children were executed, then this reporter has no Sympathy for the man. Investigate-Investigate-Investigate!

Just a thought…..If motivated Gays can become Heterosexual Then I guess, motivated Heterosexuals can become Gay.

Woody Allenism…. When I was a kid my mother said, “I want You to become a Lawyer.” I thought she said, ‘Voyeur’ so I traded My Encyclopedia for a pair of binoculars and soon needed a Lawyer.

We had a weird kid in our Neighborhood. How weird was he? He was so weird, he used to take ant traps apart so he could Count the dead ants.

I have a full tank of gas but it’s my fault. Need to stay away from baked beans.

My friend, Sal Monella confided to me, that he is a big chicken.