Lampoon.net

Now that chess has been accepted as a sport, will chess players be allowed to grunt out loud after each move?

There is no truth to the rumor that in chapter 5, Harry Potter journeys to America and uses his magic wand to impregnate, Sabrina, the teenage Witch.

It seems to me, the Boy Scouts of America need to loosen their homophobic square knots.

I once observed a rabbit eating grass on the lawn and I thought ; All that salad and no dressing.

Next month I'll be the host of a new quiz show, "Who Wants A Free Tank Of Gas."

Need gas? Contact, Wee, Siphon and Howe.

Loyal Sopranos never sing.

New century put down, "You're full of Frappuccino."

Can I help it if I have fat genes?

Oil prices are a pain in the gas.Final answer!

Told my nagging girlfriend, I'll marry you the day they invent green ketchup.

Keep forgetting to take my Ginkoba.

To lure young voters, Gov. Bush promises to appoint Harry Potter as Secretary of State.

Judge : Why did you rob 38 banks?
Thief : It's not my fault. A map of my brain show many active criminal genes.
Judge : You don't expect me to buy that, do you?
Thief : Why not? The Scientists do.

Soprano Productions rejected 14,000 wannabe extras. Everyone who was turned down said, "Do you know who I am?"

If you find a dead bird on your front lawn, it's not a Sicilian message. And you thought a Virus was something only computers get.

This years chutzpah award goes to the Web Site, www.asko.j.com

Married people may be getting a tax break. Yeah, but what about their lovers?

My heart surgeon? Dr. R2-D2, of course.

Dick Cheney's favorite quote, "Oil well that ends well."

Harry Potter books are hot. How hot are they? They are so hot, J.K.Rowling just bought Buckingham Palace.

Remember, your nearest Barnes and Noble is only a Scones throw away.

It is easy to identify criminal brain genes. They are the ones with the little black masks.

Rodney Dangerfield found a package of Viagra under the Christmas tree. He went to thank his wife. She said, That's the butlers' gift.

Every four years in America we have the, "Who Wants To Be A Billionaire Show." The four survivors this November will be Gore, Bush, Bucannon and Nader. After we poll the audience one survivor will remain. To win, one needs to avoid the political rats and snakes. Because the economy is in good shape, Gore has a 50-50 chance to win. Bush too has a 50-50 chance to win. When you have the support of Big Business, your supplies are always plentiful. Bucannon is a dark horse because he has already used up all his ethnic life lines. Since Ralph Nader has promised to end Government and Big Business corruption, he has no chance at all to win. On Election Day the computers will give us, their Final answer.

Computers can now write original love stories. Thus:
I.B.M. : So, you are cheating on me.
Gateway : No,no. It's not true.
I.B.M. : Don't feed me that info. You have been exploring Apple's Hard Drive for a month.
Gateway : No. That's a lie. All I did was check out his circuits.
I.B.M. : You have no respect for my high grade Data. You,you….Jezabel!
Gateway : I confess.But I did it with him only one time.
I.B.M. : One time? You are telling me, one time?
Gateway : Would you believe, two times?
I.B.M. : Frankly, my dear, I don't give a bit, byte or damn.
End of Program.